What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief

43719848_905136553020489_1028161071254339584_o_90513654968715634308611_810823532451792_3052487970855583744_o_810823525785126Today marks 1 year without my best friend Ty. We clicked right away upon meeting each other for the first time. Our mutual friend introduced us, knowing that having someone who understands the challenges that come with being diagnosed with a chronic or invisible illness can be a little easier to deal with if you have support.

In 2012 I was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis (IC), Endometriosis and PFDShe had EDS and POTS

This list is some things I wish someone had told me, what I’ve learned as well as some things from a few other contributors.

  1. No matter how prepared you think you are for a death, you can never be fully prepared for the loss and the grief.
  2. You can plan for death, but death does not always comply with our wishes or plans.
  3. Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies.  It is not peaceful or prepared.  You may not have a spiritual or meaningful moment . . . It’s too real
  4. There will be pressure from others to move on, even minutes or hours after a death, and this can lead to regrets or resentment.
  5. Death is not an emergency – there is always time to step back and take a moment to say goodbye
  6. Death and grief make people uncomfortable, so be prepared for awkward encounters.
  7. You will plan the funeral while in a haze.  If you aren’t happy with the funeral you had, have another memorial service later.
  8. When people offer support, take them up on it.
  9. People will bring you food because they don’t know what else to do. Don’t feel bad throwing it away.
  10. People will say stupid, hurtful things without even realizing it.
  11. People will tell you things that aren’t true about your grief.
  12. Death brings out the best and the worst in families, so be prepared.
  13. There is no such thing as closure.
  14. There is no timeline for grieving. You can’t rush it. You will grieve, in some form, forever.
  15. There will always be regrets. No matter how much time you had, you’ll always want more.
  16. Guilt is a normal part of grief.
  17. Anger is normal part of grief.
  18. The pain of a loss is a reflection of love, but you never regret loving as hard as you can.
  19. Grief can make you question your faith.
  20. Grief doesn’t come in 5 neat stages. Grief is messy and confusing
  21. Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.
  22. Grief can make you question your life, your purpose, and your goals. And that isn’t always a bad thing.
  23. We all grieve differently, which can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.
  24. However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse.
  25. You may find comfort in very unexpected places.
  26. The last 24 hours of their lives will replay over and over in your mind.
  27. It’s sometimes necessary to seek out new ways to grieve on your own, find new guidance if the people who are supposed to be supportive simply haven’t learned how.
  28. You grieve your past, present, and future with that person.
  29. You dread each anniversary, birthday, occasion without that person.
  30. They say the first year is hardest; but in reality, its all hard. First anniversary, first birthday, first time going to a place you shared without them.

Is there something you would add to the list that isn’t already on the list? Let me know in the comments!

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