Day 11: Why do you believe you have this illness? Bad luck, a higher power, karma, or something else?
Personally, I believe that by getting sick and all that comes with it, is to strengthen me. To force me to reach out to others. To believe in myself again.
Ask my family and friends, and their answers are all the complete opposite. My family basically has the idea that ‘my choices’ made me sick. That because I moved back here the day of my 18th birthday, stopped going to church, married someone they didn’t approve of, and generally didn’t continue with the ‘right ways’ of life they believe in, that’s why I’m sick.
This is something I’ve struggled with for years, I still struggle with this every single day. When my Grandma got diagnosed with breast cancer 6 years ago, she was doing everything right, eating healthy, natural remedies etc. But she still got sick and she is still going to die. Recently my mom got diagnosed with Chrohns Disease. In both those instances, it was ‘just what happened.’ not that there choices and actions made them sick.
I struggle to be the bigger person, to be there for them if they need me without letting my feelings get in the way of our relationship.
It took a few years, but one day it hit me. All the time and energy I was spending just to try and get them to believe me, to see I’m not faking or just wanting attention, was doing no good. I was angry that they couldn’t or wouldn’t understand. But all the time I spent being angry and hurt damaged some of the time I have had with them. So now, I just try and be as ‘normal’ as possible with them and I avoid talking about my illnesses. I just try to keep in contact with them the best I can.
My sister recently moved here for college and I feel so blessed to have the chance to finally have the sister relationship I never had the chance to have before.
Long story short, when I was 5 my dad married my step mom. When I was 10 they sent me a state away with her parents to be raised until I graduated. At the time I couldn’t see how that was the best thing they could have done. All I could see is after 5 years they just didn’t want me anymore.
My little sister that is here for college, she was 3 when I moved away. And as much as I called and spent time talking with her and my other 3 siblings, it wasn’t the same.
I moved back with them right before my senior year of high school. I spent that year doing the best I could to form a relationship with my siblings.
The day I turned 18, they packed me up and drove me back here. Once again, trying to have a relationship just by occasional phone calls and texting whenever they actually got cell service in the mountains where they live, it wasn’t the same.
We now spend most of the day sending Snapchat back and forth, texting, and two sister outings so far. The first was a week ago. We went to the movies. Tonight, we attempted to go ice skating after eating at Pizza Pie Cafe.
Let me tell you, I trip and fall on flat ground, with nothing but air in my way 🤣. I only fell once and I’m very proud of that fact. She just made it look beyond easy, skating loop and after loop while I had to take continuous breaks to breathe and rest my aching feet.
But I loved every minute of it. I can’t wait to see what we do next 🥰😂