This isn’t easy for me. But I can’t keep blaming myself, avoid talking about this, spending every moment trying to forget or playing everything that happened on a never-ending loop. I refuse to live like that. 9 months ago my whole world shattered, I lost who I was and even still I honestly don’t even recognize who I was then and who I am now. But I am trying. Slowly but surely.
I saw this video while scrolling Facebook called “The 7 Stages Of A Trauma Bond.” I don’t know how I came across it as most of the suggestions I get are usually for DIY crafts and cooking, but I am glad I did. Because it explained so much. The pieces fit. Sadly, pathetically, they fit. And I am so full of anger about it. I couldn’t see it and I know everyone always says “Hindsight is 20/20” and how if you’re too close to a situation, you can’t see what is right in front of you.
And I get it. I do. But that doesn’t change the fact that I should’ve listened to those who love me. To those who know me. My mind is filled with so many “What ifs”, “I should’ve” “If only”
I know I can’t go back and change what happened, but I wish with every fiber of my being that I could.
- Love Bomb Stage
“Love bombing is when you are showered with non-stop gifts, compliments, and attention. This begins a cycle of abuse where the love bomber withholds love and attention to manipulate you. Being showered with love can feel so good! It can be an instant confidence boost to feel so wanted and appreciated by someone.”
2. Trust And Dependency
“In this stage your partner does everything they can to win your trust. You will feel you can rely on them, and are beginning to feel dependent on them for love and validation.”
3. Critical/Criticism
The criticism generally begins slowly, and might seem like the normal progression of two peoole getting to know each other more. It will become persuasive, and you will find that you are often being blamed for things, including their feelings or perceptions and that your partner may become more demanding. These demands will gradually extend to an insistence on changes in your normal behavior, personality, or relationships with others.”
4. Manipulation/Gaslighting
During this stage, you’ll feel lost and confused as your partner convinces you that your feelings and perceptions are invalid and that all problems in the relationship are solely your fault. This type of emotional manipulation is called “Gaslighting” and can make you seriously doubt your own thoughts and reactions.
5. Give Up Control/Resignation
You are getting absolutely nowhere using your normal methods of problem solving or open discussion in a relationship. Every time you try to work things out, your partner unleashes a huge amount of blame and criticism that is both painful and exhausting. You decide to try and do things their way to resolve conflict and get things back to stage 1.
6. Lose Yourself
Any attempt to push back against the way things are in your relationship result in extreme emotional manipulation and abusive behavior from your partner. Your family and friends, who have probably expressed concern about the relationship in the previous stages, are now very worried. You have lost your confidence and your bearings, and will do anything to just avoid another fight.
7. Addiction To The Cycle
At this point, your body is running on near constant levels of high stress and craving relief or pleasure, creating a cycle of dependency that can feel very similar to a substance addiction. You probably have some sense that the relationship is bad for you, but are either making excuses for it (Like your partner has a troubled past or trauma of their own), or feel unable to leave it.
I am doing the best I can, leaning on those close to me, mainly my best friend, my ride or die, “My Person” and I can’t tell you how much it meant to me when tonight my best friend told me “I don’t care how many times you say it, I’ll hear it every time.”
I have been struggling lately with thoughts that I should ‘be over this’ by now, or that by talking about it again, I am just keeping myself stuck in the moment. And while I agree to a point, I also believe in the power of communication, of writing how I feel if I cannot voice my thoughts using my actual voice.
Thanks to my amazing Grandma, I learned to LOVE writing. It was how we communicated when I struggled to find the words to explain how I felt. We used to pass and notebook back and forth (Like in elementary school and passing notes) until I learned to “Use my words”
Even then, even after I learned better how to communicate correctly and actually talk about my feelings, thoughts, troubles ect, I still leaned heavily on writing and I have dozens of journals filled with the thoughts in my head.
I lost my Grandma two years ago this April and am just now trying to get back into writing, for both her and me. I know she would hate that I gave up what I love most when she passed away. And honestly I hate that I lost my love of writing for a while as well.
Writing is who I am. It’s a huge part of what makes me “Me”. When I asked a friend to say the first thing that came to mind when they thought about me, they always went straight to me being a blogger, both for my multiple Chronic Illnesses, as well as the personal stuff that I deal with in my life.
I have been diagnosed with Interstitital Cystitis, Endometriosis, PFD (Pelvic Floor Dysfunction), Anxiety, Depression and Epilepsy in my short almost 28 years and been dealing with it for over 10 years now.
I am doing my best to recover from the events of the last 9 months and while some days are really good, most are still really challenging. It’s affected me emotionally, mentally as well as physically. The stress from everything has caused my body to go into ‘flare mode’ where my symptoms of my illnesses flare up and get worse.
I do the best I can to keep the stress down so it doesn’t happen, but sometimes it feels impossible, that maybe I will always feel this terrible physically and mentally. And sometimes I have flare ups for seemingly no reason at all. Like it just came barreling out of nowhere and tackles me.
I slowly feel myself getting stronger. Some days are better than others, some days I make amazing progress and some days I stay in bed all day, not moving. Ignoring the world, stuck in my own head. But I fight like hell each day to fight the thoughts in my head, to not let it bring me down even farther.
I have to deal with this, or it could destroy everything all over again. And I never want to go back to how I felt, how I still feel sometimes. I can do this. I have to. I will beat this. “I have gone through worse,” that’s what people say, right?
This is my turning point. It has to be.
I know I can do this. Maybe it’ll only be one day, one hour at a time. But it’s better than nothing, right? I know I will come out on the other side stronger, mentally and emotionally, but honestly right now it just hurts like hell….
The Spoonie Sanctuary 