Stronger

I’m going to do something I haven’t in quite a while. I’m going to be vulnerable. I’m going to say something I’ve wanted to say for over a year.

🎵You’re alive, you survived, it’s a sign
And the proof is in your pulse
Brighter stars only shine in the dark
You are stronger than you know🎵

This hits right in my soul, given the last 539 days. But I know I can do this. Because I’m still here. When my heart gave out that day, and I flatlined, I came back. I fought like HELL to come back.

No, I’m not over it. No, I’m not okay. Far from it. But day by day, I’m getting there. Day by day #IGetALittleBitStronger

The lyrics are from a song by Citizen Soldier called Still Breathing. One of my favorite Artists lately. They have yet to write a song that I don’t relate to or love.

https://youtu.be/JFAs8GKyZJE

I’m so beyond grateful for the amazing but small, support system I have. I love you all and I can’t thank you guys enough ❤😘

Still Standing

May is when the world disappeared beneath my feet a year ago. May 22, 2021. That whole month was many things. Traumatic, draining, Toxic. Amazing (the rare moments when things were good)

I have fought like HELL to get where I am today, mentally, emotionally and even physically. This has been one of the hardest years (almost) of my life.

BUT, here I am. Despite everything life threw at me, here I still am. Still standing. Still fighting.

In my head, I still haven’t gotten anything figured out, still struggling every day. To my counselor though, she’s proud of me ❤ and that means the world. I’ve been working with her for years. And when you find someone you “click” or connect with, you want to keep them for as long as you can.

I’m so grateful for the amazing support system I have. I honestly don’t know how I would’ve gotten this far without them.

I’m doing my best to get back into blogging, please be patient with me as I get my feet back under me again.

Stay strong. You can do this. Always just a message/email away if someone needs/wants to talk.

Have a topic you’d like to see? I’m always willing to take requests on topics. You can email me at thespooniesanctuary@gmail.com or find me on Facebook

Know Your Worth

I didn’t write this, but it struck me so much I felt like I needed to share ❤ I have been struggling a lot lately with knowing my worth, to know I matter and this came across my newsfeed at the exact right time 🥰

“A bottle of water at Costco is $0.25.

The same bottle in the supermarket is worth about $0.50.

At a local bar it probably costs $2.

In a good restaurant or hotel it can be worth up to $3.

At an airport or on the plane, you might be charged $5.

The bottle and the brand is the same, the only thing that changes is the place. Each place gives a different value to the same product.

When you feel like you aren’t worth anything and the people around you belittle you, change places, do not stay there.

Have the courage to change environments and go to a place where you’re given the value you deserve. Surround yourself with people who really appreciate your worth. 💙 #TheAddictsDiary”

Life

More About Me (Requested Post)

I started blogging because I know what it feels like to wonder if there is actually something wrong with you or if it’s all in your head like everyone says it is all because you look fine on the outside.

The days, weeks, months and sometimes years waiting for the test results. More than not, at least in my situation, the test results may come back ‘Normal’ and when you finally have a name for what is wrong with you, it feels great, but at the same time it can really be an emotional time. It’s not in your head, you finally have a diagnosis. But after the diagnosis comes all the changes that the illnesses bring when they come into your life.

I also know what it’s like to have little to no support from family and friends because they can’t understand how you can be fine one day, and stuck in the bed bawling the next.

How you can walk with little to no pain and ten minutes later you’re in need of a wheelchair. How you can do household chores fast, but the minute you sit down, you see how much your body is straining to remain upright as everything catches up with you. How no matter how much sleep you get, it’s never restful sleep and you’re always exhausted when you wake up.

I am 26 and I have been diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis, Endometriosis, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, Anxiety and Depression.

7 years ago I got married. About four months later, my health took a turn for the worst and then came all the doctors, the tests, the scans, the medications, the surgeries, and losing everyone I cared about because they don’t see how I was fine and then suddenly I was far from fine.

My marriage fell apart from a million different things. But two years ago I reconnected with my amazing boyfriend (now Fiance 🥰) and he is everything I ever wanted.

My illnesses are called “Invisible Illnesses” because only on the inside you can see how much of a mess I am with all the scar tissue, the scars, the organs sticking together and swelling when I push myself too hard.

I have met some of the best people in support groups. Reach out, you never know whose lives will be touched by you.

Thankful For Them (Repost)

I actually got a request from a fan to repost this. As my recent post shows, I’m struggling with my health and everything lately which has impacted my writing a lot more than I care to admit.

But requests are always welcome, either for a repost or a topic you’d like to see. So don’t hesitate to reach out to me (www.spooniesanctuaryblog.wordpress.com/about-me)

I hate that my writing has taken a backseat to the extreme with everything going on. My writing used to be this amazing outlet and you would rarely find me without a notebook and pen every second. Now I’m struggling to even focus on the next few minutes, much less trying to plan for posts, or even just life in general.

So, I’m apologizing in advance if this post is way below the line for my previous posts. I’m trying. Please be patient with me.

This was originally posted about 3 year ago; and while it makes me sad to think about this night as she passed away 2 years ago, it did bring a smile to my face. I’d honestly forgotten about this.

I had an experience tonight that really got to me, I got angry and upset and I wanted to yell.

But then I realized something. I have to be the best I can be. I have to be stronger than the words that are being thrown at me. I have to be the example of kindness. I have to try and not let words hurt me. I have to realize that I don’t know the reason behind the hurtful words, that I don’t know why they say what they do. Its MY words and MY reactions that can make it better or worse. I have to worry about ME and as hard as it is, try and be a BETTER person and rise above it all.

Oh, I’m still upset, but I realized that was exactly how I DON’T want to be. I want to be happy. I want to help others, not belittle or yell at them. I don’t want to say hurtful things and ruin someone’s night. I don’t want to make anyone feel horrible. I want to make others feel even a little bit better and tonight, I did that.

I stepped in on a situation and helped a friend who needed it. I stood up for her. I made her feel better. And I did the best I could to make the situation even just a little better for her.

Tonight really put everything in prospective for me. I can’t change anyone, but I can be strong and rise above it all. No, I’m not saying its easy. Its never easy. But its the right thing to do.

Challenge

As you know, I’ve once again gone MIA for a while, 😬 BUT I’m back and ready to answer the questions from my previous post “Baby Steps…And A Challenge.”

As this list of questions has over 200+ to answer, I’m only going to answer a few at a time.

Ready? Let’s go!

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What is the funniest name you have actually heard used in the real world? Cheri Pitt

What is the sexiest name you can imagine? 

What is the least sexy name you have ever heard? Bert

What sport would be the funniest to add a mandatory amount of alcohol to? Tennis

If you could replace all of the grass in the world with something else, what would it be? Squishmallows because of all the million stuffed animals I have, I instantly fell in love with the adorableness of them, as well as the material they are made from. (Don’t worry, I didn’t bring it up to not show you)

If you had to choose one animal to help you win a fight, which animal would you choose?Cape Buffalo “if an individual (or its calf) is threatened or wounded, they become the incarnation of their nickname: Black Death.”

If you could morph two animals to make one super animal, what two animals would you choose? Why? I have always loved the story of the tortoise and the hair, still one of my favorites even now in my mid 20s. Searching for a picture to hoping to explain it better, I found this and it was too good and cute not to add 😍

What movie would be greatly improved if it was made into a musical? I think The Ghost And Mr Chicken would be hilarious as a musical; although I’m not sure it would make much sense the more I think about it 😂

If you could choose one musical artist to marry but could never listen to their music again, who would it be? I honestly am coming up blank on this question. I am addicted to music, I even used to sleep with my radio on and tuned to country music and that’s how I would get to sleep every night. But at the same time, while I love music and lyrics, I don’t really know much about certain artists and their lives outside of the music world. The music matters to me, not necessarily what goes on in their lives outside of their music; and I know how that sounds, I do. But it’s the truth. 

If your five-year-old self suddenly found themselves inhabiting your current body, what would your five-year-old self do first? Probably end up screaming bloody murder, honestly! I know what you must be thinking “She’s really lost her marbles or is avoiding the real answer for whatever reason. Here’s the thing-I’m not crazy or avoiding the question. My every day life is someone else’s worst nightmare. My pain tolerance is low, chronic pain has reaked havoc on my body for years. As a kid, my tolerance was even lower than it is now at almost 26 years old. 

What is something that everyone looks stupid doing? Biting their top lip 🤣

Have you ever sent a text message to the wrong person? Way too many times 🤦

What are three items you could buy together at the grocery store to make the cashier laugh? Lube, Summer sausage and Enima kit 😬

Have you ever caught something on fire while you were cooking? Thankfully, no.

What is something that is really popular now, but in 5 years everyone will look back on and be embarrassed by? Fidget spinners. In my opinion, there are a million other things I would try for things like anxiety or boredom before I’d use something like that but I know they are very popular for a variety of reasons. 

 

 

Baby Steps…And A Challenge

Before I even begin writing this post, I’d just like to say thanks to all of you who have been reaching out to me and who continue reading my blog, (despite the spotty postings) lifting me up through this heartbreaking time in my life. It means the world ❤️ and I ask you to please be patient with me. I know this article may seem very jumbled and way longer compared to previous posts

Hey, internet family! I know I have been MIA for the last few months (that’s putting it lightly 😬) but I’m doing my best to get back into my writing in general, as well as on here. 

I recently got an email from a long time follower, who challenged me (as well as told me that they’ve been missing my blog posts and just wanted to check in with me to make sure I’m doing okay) to start writing again, and then sent me this link to a different bloggers article that had a huge list of questions to answer.

They told me that I need to go easier on myself as I’m dealing with a whole heck of a lot right now in my personal life. (Which, I admit, is the understatement of the year 🥺) and that if, and when, I decide to start writing again, to take baby steps and not force myself into rushing back to writing just because I worry about losing traffic on here because my postings have been spotty at best lately. 

I want to pause right here to say that when I originally started blogging, my goal wasn’t to become ‘popular’ or to earn money writing.

I started blogging for a few reasons; (but I won’t get into that right now as this is already a long post 😂; but let me know if that’s something you would like to find out about)

She went on to say that it probably wouldn’t be easy to just jump back into writing, so she said maybe the first step could be just answering questions on my blog and slowly work my way back up.

I think that is a great idea! Baby steps.

While I currently have the list she sent me in the email, I thought I’d ask if any of you have a question or two in mind.

Let me know down in the comments or you can reach me HERE. Facebook is the best way to reach me as I can respond a lot faster.

I will leave this post up for a week and please feel free to ask me anything you’d like to know 😊

I’m excited to see what the responses are from all of you 😊. In a week, if I haven’t received any responses, I’ll be filling out the questions from the article I linked above. There are over 300 questions though; so I will be answering them a handful at a time.

28 THINGS ABOUT MY INVISIBLE ILLNESS YOU MAY NOT KNOW

1. The illness(es) I live with is: Interstitial Cystitis (IC), Endometriosis and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2012.
3. I have had symptoms since: 2012.
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Not being able to eat the things i used to and even that list keeps constantly changing.
5. Most people assume: I am faking it for attention.
6. The hardest part about mornings is: Changing my clothes into ‘normal’ clothes. Most days i have things like appointments and as hard as it is, i always try to look half way presentable, which takes a huge amount of energy.
7. My favorite guilty pleasure is: Kit kats.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My computer
9. The hardest part about nights are: Insomnia due to pain.
10. Each day I take: 10 medications, every morning, noon and night times.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Have tried almost everything and my pain management doctor is running out of ways to help.
12. Regarding working and career: I am on disability, therefore unable to work but I did recently sign up for a beginning ASL class at a local college. Just one class, but it’s a start.
13. People would be surprised to know: I am much sicker than i look.
14. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Losing family and friends.
15. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Accept it; although I will never be happy about it.
16. The commercials about my illness: Not sure actually.
17. Something I really miss doing since i was diagnosed is: Going on long walks by the Snake River up from my house.
18. It was really hard to have to give up: Food i love.
19. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Writing, Jewelry making.
20. If i could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Go on a long walk, eat my favorite foods and go swimming.
21. My illness has taught me: To believe in myself when others don’t.
22. Want to know a secret? My illness is worse than i usually tell people.
23. But I love it when people: Ask how i am and actually want to talk.
24. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: “Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness yet still become something beautiful ❤”
25. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: They are not alone. Ever.
26. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: I am more confident.
27. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Brought me food and a book to read.
28. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Happy that you cared enough to read this all the way to the end.

 

3am Thoughts

**Welcome to my brain super early in the morning when I can’t sleep**

Way too early this morning I realized something.

Throughout history there are so many examples of some amazing people who inspired change and fought for the country to rethink how we’ve always done things and some even lost their lives while standing up for what they believe in.

But for every group of people who fight for change, there are at least that many who disagree outwardly but agree in secret.

Why?

Society always tells us to stand up for what you believe in, “be the change you want to see in the world.” Be who you are no matter what. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks.

Then when you try, society tries to knock you down and tells us to stay silent; go with the flow. Don’t cause a problem. After all, we have been doing things this way for thousands of years so why try to change now?

Society is pretty much a universe size bully 😂.

No matter what you do, it’s never the right thing. You will always be wrong and Society will always be right.