Late Night Thoughts

Since being diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis, Endometriosis, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, Epilepsy, along with PTSD, Depression and Anxiety, I feel like most people have stopped seeing me. They seem to only see the disabled girl with chronic pain and diseases that have no cure.

When I am introduced to someone new, the words and phrases people use to describe me make me feel small. They make me feel like I am not doing enough to “make myself better.” When they talk about me, they only seem to see the endless stream of tests, doctors and surgeries. They now see me as the girl with chronic pain. And it makes me feel like I need to push myself harder, when in reality I already push myself beyond my limit every single day just to try and have a sliver of the life I once had.

My illnesses are not usually fatal, and sometimes it feels like if you are not in danger of actually dying, people don’t feel the need to use their own energy and resources to help you. This may sound harsh, but I am finding it to be more and more true. When most people hear that someone has a chronic illness they know it is most likely going to “drag on” forever. From my experience, it can be hard to get people to support you if you are going to live with your disease forever and if there is no cure.

People with chronic illness often face a lifetime of pain, exhaustion and disability. A lifetime of people telling them to get over it and they they are too depressing to be around, along with failing to meet everyone’s expectations. It is also hurtful how family and friends can’t seem to understand how we can be fine one minute and then the next we are curled up on the couch in pain.

I know for some of the best people I have ever met, those who have struggled with not having a diagnosis for years, finally having a name for their symptoms and illnesses is incredibly validating.

Once you finally have a name for what is “wrong” with you, it makes it much easier to treat, or at least manage your symptoms and pain. But along with the names of your illnesses and symptoms also comes judgment; at least it does in my life. Some people research your illness and learn at least a little about it so they can help you deal with the emotional part of it and be there for you.

But then there are those who search Google and find places that, for a one time payment can “cure” your disease — or this new medicine on the market with amazing reviews online for being natural, articles by people who have “cured themselves completely using ____,” or how thinking positive and talking about your feelings you can convince your body you don’t have an illness and can therefore “cure” yourself. But then they get upset when you don’t read all the “research” they did or do everything they think you should be doing, because the internet says it will help you.

I have lived with my illnesses for a little over a decade now. Wow. 10 years. In that time I have come across others in support groups and online forums who sometimes say they wish they had a condition people were more familiar with or took more seriously. Most chronic illnesses have no cures, only treatments, and some people just assume it will be the same thing every day, so why bother helping if it is going to be a never-ending process?

For me there are not any words on the planet to adequately explain how difficult it is to live with an illness that no one believes is real. For people to not understand how you can look fine and be smiling on the outside, but be hurting on the inside. For people to not understand how you can do a certain amount of things one day, then the next have no energy to do anything; sometimes even getting out of bed is a challenge. For people who can’t understand how you can be fine one minute then the next you are in severe pain.

Not to mention many of us have to come up with the money out of our own pocket to pay for a medication that may help a tiny bit or not at all.

We are people first. We are still human beings who have feelings. It’s hard when people have stopped seeing us as a person, but now see us as our illness or our symptoms. It is hurtful for many of us. We just want some understanding. Some support to know we are not alone. I could really use some support, as I am going through this difficult part of my life. I do everything I can to be supportive of family and friends, even if I don’t agree with their lifestyles or choices. Is it so hard to expect them to extend the same courtesy to me?

For those of us with chronic illnesses, many people come to the conclusion that we are different, and we will never be like them because we have a different life then they do. Many people assume we will never want to hang out because we hurt all the time. So they stop asking us to go out places. They stop calling.

We fight every day just to get out of bed, while many others take the little things for granted. Many people think that because life is the way it is for them, it will always stay that way. They never think of what would happen if all the things they were used to suddenly weren’t around anymore. They are used to going places all the time, feeling healthy, being able to go on long road trips, go to bars, have a “normal life,” have a relationship. Not have to worry about every minute of every day and how it will affect you and your ability to do even the simple things.

My name is Karley and I live with chronic illness. I am a person first and foremost. I have a name, and I am more than my symptoms. I refuse to let my illness control my life and how people see me. I am doing the very best that I can with what I’ve got

Stronger

I’m going to do something I haven’t in quite a while. I’m going to be vulnerable. I’m going to say something I’ve wanted to say for over a year.

🎵You’re alive, you survived, it’s a sign
And the proof is in your pulse
Brighter stars only shine in the dark
You are stronger than you know🎵

This hits right in my soul, given the last 539 days. But I know I can do this. Because I’m still here. When my heart gave out that day, and I flatlined, I came back. I fought like HELL to come back.

No, I’m not over it. No, I’m not okay. Far from it. But day by day, I’m getting there. Day by day #IGetALittleBitStronger

The lyrics are from a song by Citizen Soldier called Still Breathing. One of my favorite Artists lately. They have yet to write a song that I don’t relate to or love.

https://youtu.be/JFAs8GKyZJE

I’m so beyond grateful for the amazing but small, support system I have. I love you all and I can’t thank you guys enough ❤😘

Welcoming Changes

Today, for the first time in over a year, I woke up HAPPY. In a great mood and even had less pain than normal.

I feel more like myself then I have in over a year and I can’t tell you how amazing it feels 🥰

Maybe its because I’ve had so many rough days, but to me, it feels ‘weird’ to feel like this.

Honestly, I’ve spent the last year struggling and wondering if I would ever be okay. Little things would trigger me and I’d be right back there…in the hell I went through. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not suddenly ‘better’, its not perfect days from here on out.

But this gives me hope for better days ahead.

Tonight with my workers we went to a small craft fair type thing in my tiny town and even though I shouldn’t have spent the money, I saw these and couldn’t resist. She showed me how to do the piece all by myself, it was really simple but fun. And I bought a smaller one that is a magnet for your fridge as a kit and am going to do it later tonight. It comes with everything you need. Then, of course 😂, I saw the elephant keychain and had to have it. My Grandparents went on a mission to Thailand years ago and got to ride and elephant and my Grandma loved them, she collected mini elephant statuses and other small things.

The saying immediately made me think about how everything has gone and how I probably have become a little TOO ‘comfortable’ in staying to myself and how I don’t want to be like that anymore. How I may have to take life one day, or one hour at a time, and that’s okay.

I know this isn’t over, there are probably plenty of rough days ahead, life isn’t ‘fixed’ or ‘perfect’, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m strong enough to handle it.

Just breathe. I got this.

Still Standing

May is when the world disappeared beneath my feet a year ago. May 22, 2021. That whole month was many things. Traumatic, draining, Toxic. Amazing (the rare moments when things were good)

I have fought like HELL to get where I am today, mentally, emotionally and even physically. This has been one of the hardest years (almost) of my life.

BUT, here I am. Despite everything life threw at me, here I still am. Still standing. Still fighting.

In my head, I still haven’t gotten anything figured out, still struggling every day. To my counselor though, she’s proud of me ❤ and that means the world. I’ve been working with her for years. And when you find someone you “click” or connect with, you want to keep them for as long as you can.

I’m so grateful for the amazing support system I have. I honestly don’t know how I would’ve gotten this far without them.

I’m doing my best to get back into blogging, please be patient with me as I get my feet back under me again.

Stay strong. You can do this. Always just a message/email away if someone needs/wants to talk.

Have a topic you’d like to see? I’m always willing to take requests on topics. You can email me at thespooniesanctuary@gmail.com or find me on Facebook

Know Your Worth

I didn’t write this, but it struck me so much I felt like I needed to share ❤ I have been struggling a lot lately with knowing my worth, to know I matter and this came across my newsfeed at the exact right time 🥰

“A bottle of water at Costco is $0.25.

The same bottle in the supermarket is worth about $0.50.

At a local bar it probably costs $2.

In a good restaurant or hotel it can be worth up to $3.

At an airport or on the plane, you might be charged $5.

The bottle and the brand is the same, the only thing that changes is the place. Each place gives a different value to the same product.

When you feel like you aren’t worth anything and the people around you belittle you, change places, do not stay there.

Have the courage to change environments and go to a place where you’re given the value you deserve. Surround yourself with people who really appreciate your worth. 💙 #TheAddictsDiary”

Lessons My Chronic Pain Has Taught Me

I know what you’re probably thinking, “How can your Chronic pain/Illnesses teach you something?! Pain is pain, there’s nothing good about it!” And to be perfectly honest, I’ve struggled for years with trying to accept my illnesses. For years I let myself focus on the bad parts, the bad days, the medication overload, the sleepless nights due to pain. I couldn’t see that despite it all, my Chronic Pain has taught things about myself. Good things and bad.

These last few months, I’ve been dealing with some extremely hard personal challenges. Its been emotionally and physically exhausting. But I’m still doing my best to move forward.

Here are some lessons my chronic pain has taught me.

1. When I was first diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitisthen later, Endometriosis, PFD, and most recently Epilepsy, one of the first things I did was search out some support groups. My ‘family’ now is spread across the world and I haven’t met most of them in real life yet. But we stand together and support each other.
2. My pain has taught me how to listen to my body and learn my limits. In the early days of my ‘journey’ I tried to keep the pace I had before I got sick and more often than not I ended up in bed for days after.
3. There is a joke, but not a funny one, going around the Spoonie communities. “Want to know who truly cares about you? Get diagnosed with a Chronic Illness.” There are only a few people in my life but they have continued to lift me up and help me because they truly care.
4. My Chronic Pain has taught me to believe in myself again. Being confident in what I can and can’t do has helped to allow myself to believe I can do anything, I just have to be careful and usually spread out over a week or more. But I do get things done.
5. My illnesses have also made me want to learn all I can about my illnesses and others that people I know have. I know it may seem strange but learning about other illnesses is a kind of hobby for me.
6. Just because I could do some walking around and hanging out yesterday doesnt mean I can do the same tomorrow.
7. The person hardest on me is myself. I judge myself harshly, put myself down for the things I can’t do. I usually end up pushing myself too far because I want to try and have a life outside of my illnesses.
8. I’m learning its okay to ask for help.
9. I want to help others like me who suffer from Chronic Pain and Illness. I even am starting my own Chronic Pain Support Group online, so everyone can join and not have to miss out due to transportation or illness.
10. I think one of the hardest things my illnesses have taught me is how to be patient with others and not become annoyed when they find out I’m sick but look fine on the outside. They all give you ‘the look’ of disbelief and some even come right out and call me a liar. It hurts.
11. There are a lot of ignorant people out there who think they know me and my illnesses better than I do based off a 2 minute internet search.
12. I’m learning to take life one day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time. And thats okay.
13. My experiences are different than those of someone with the same illness. No two people have all the same symptoms.
14. There are many others who suffer from Chronic pain and Illness, as well as invisible illnesses. You are not alone. I am not alone.
15. Taking care of myself is not selfish. Its a necessity.
16. I’m much stronger than I give myself credit for. My illnesses take a lot from me mentally, emotionally and physically. But somehow I still manage to push forward each day.
17. I have to become my own doctor as I know my body better than anyone. I’ve spent hours researching to find different treatments and ways to make my life a little easier.
18. I no longer try and justify my illnesses to others. I’m sick and while I’m doing the best I can, I should never have to feel the need to prove how sick I am.
19. I can no longer do what I used to, but I just do my best to adapt and find a way to still have fun.
20. You have to be truthful: you have to be open with loved ones about your condition, pain and feelings. So then you don’t battle alone and everyone knows the score.

What have you learned through your own journey of Chronic Pain and Illness? Let us know in the comments. 

The 7 Stages Of Trauma Bonding

This isn’t easy for me. But I can’t keep blaming myself, avoid talking about this, spending every moment trying to forget or playing everything that happened on a never-ending loop. I refuse to live like that. 9 months ago my whole world shattered, I lost who I was and even still I honestly don’t even recognize who I was then and who I am now. But I am trying. Slowly but surely.

I saw this video while scrolling Facebook called “The 7 Stages Of A Trauma Bond.” I don’t know how I came across it as most of the suggestions I get are usually for DIY crafts and cooking, but I am glad I did. Because it explained so much. The pieces fit. Sadly, pathetically, they fit. And I am so full of anger about it. I couldn’t see it and I know everyone always says “Hindsight is 20/20” and how if you’re too close to a situation, you can’t see what is right in front of you.

And I get it. I do. But that doesn’t change the fact that I should’ve listened to those who love me. To those who know me. My mind is filled with so many “What ifs”, “I should’ve” “If only”

I know I can’t go back and change what happened, but I wish with every fiber of my being that I could.

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1. Love Bomb Stage

“Love bombing is when you are showered with non-stop gifts, compliments, and attention. This begins a cycle of abuse where the love bomber withholds love and attention to manipulate you. Being showered with love can feel so good! It can be an instant confidence boost to feel so wanted and appreciated by someone.”

2. Trust And Dependency

“In this stage your partner does everything they can to win your trust. You will feel you can rely on them, and are beginning to feel dependent on them for love and validation.”

3. Critical/Criticism

The criticism generally begins slowly, and might seem like the normal progression of two peoole getting to know each other more. It will become persuasive, and you will find that you are often being blamed for things, including their feelings or perceptions and that your partner may become more demanding. These demands will gradually extend to an insistence on changes in your normal behavior, personality, or relationships with others.”

4. Manipulation/Gaslighting

During this stage, you’ll feel lost and confused as your partner convinces you that your feelings and perceptions are invalid and that all problems in the relationship are solely your fault. This type of emotional manipulation is called “Gaslighting” and can make you seriously doubt your own thoughts and reactions.

5. Give Up Control/Resignation

You are getting absolutely nowhere using your normal methods of problem solving or open discussion in a relationship. Every time you try to work things out, your partner unleashes a huge amount of blame and criticism that is both painful and exhausting. You decide to try and do things their way to resolve conflict and get things back to stage 1.

6. Lose Yourself

Any attempt to push back against the way things are in your relationship result in extreme emotional manipulation and abusive behavior from your partner. Your family and friends, who have probably expressed concern about the relationship in the previous stages, are now very worried. You have lost your confidence and your bearings, and will do anything to just avoid another fight.

7. Addiction To The Cycle

At this point, your body is running on near constant levels of high stress and craving relief or pleasure, creating a cycle of dependency that can feel very similar to a substance addiction. You probably have some sense that the relationship is bad for you, but are either making excuses for it (Like your partner has a troubled past or trauma of their own), or feel unable to leave it.

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I am doing the best I can, leaning on those close to me, mainly my best friend, my ride or die, “My Person” and I can’t tell you how much it meant to me when tonight my best friend told me “I don’t care how many times you say it, I’ll hear it every time.”

I have been struggling lately with thoughts that I should ‘be over this’ by now, or that by talking about it again, I am just keeping myself stuck in the moment. And while I agree to a point, I also believe in the power of communication, of writing how I feel if I cannot voice my thoughts using my actual voice.

Thanks to my amazing Grandma, I learned to LOVE writing. It was how we communicated when I struggled to find the words to explain how I felt. We used to pass and notebook back and forth (Like in elementary school and passing notes) until I learned to “Use my words”

Even then, even after I learned better how to communicate correctly and actually talk about my feelings, thoughts, troubles ect, I still leaned heavily on writing and I have dozens of journals filled with the thoughts in my head.

I lost my Grandma two years ago this April and am just now trying to get back into writing, for both her and me. I know she would hate that I gave up what I love most when she passed away. And honestly I hate that I lost my love of writing for a while as well.

Writing is who I am. It’s a huge part of what makes me “Me”. When I asked a friend to say the first thing that came to mind when they thought about me, they always went straight to me being a blogger, both for my multiple Chronic Illnesses, as well as the personal stuff that I deal with in my life.

I have been diagnosed with Interstitital Cystitis, Endometriosis, PFD (Pelvic Floor Dysfunction), Anxiety, Depression and Epilepsy in my short almost 28 years and been dealing with it for over 10 years now.

I am doing my best to recover from the events of the last 9 months and while some days are really good, most are still really challenging. It’s affected me emotionally, mentally as well as physically. The stress from everything has caused my body to go into ‘flare mode’ where my symptoms of my illnesses flare up and get worse.

I do the best I can to keep the stress down so it doesn’t happen, but sometimes it feels impossible, that maybe I will always feel this terrible physically and mentally. And sometimes I have flare ups for seemingly no reason at all. Like it just came barreling out of nowhere and tackles me.

I slowly feel myself getting stronger. Some days are better than others, some days I make amazing progress and some days I stay in bed all day, not moving. Ignoring the world, stuck in my own head. But I fight like hell each day to fight the thoughts in my head, to not let it bring me down even farther.

I have to deal with this, or it could destroy everything all over again. And I never want to go back to how I felt, how I still feel sometimes. I can do this. I have to. I will beat this. “I have gone through worse,” that’s what people say, right?

This is my turning point. It has to be.

I know I can do this. Maybe it’ll only be one day, one hour at a time. But it’s better than nothing, right? I know I will come out on the other side stronger, mentally and emotionally, but honestly right now it just hurts like hell….

What I Wish People Knew About Chronic Pain

With it now being 2022, as hard as it is for me and those close to me to believe, this now marks 10 years of me dealing with chronic pain. 8 since my first official diagnosis of Interstitial Cystitis. Since then, I’ve also added Endometriosis,  PFD (Pelvic Floor Dysfunction) and Epilepsy to my diagnosis list.

As chronic pain patients, we deal with so much on a daily basis with our bodies basically hating us every moment of every day. And no matter how well meaning people can be, words and advice can do more harm than good. Here are my 20 things I wish people knew about Chronic pain.

1. Being unable to work is not the same as taking a vacation. There are so many days I’ll be stuck in bed due to the pain, brain fog, exhaustion and yet I still wish I could work because I spend way too much time feeling lazy and unmotivated. I do my best to get up and moving every day,  to do one small thing so I can feel productive. But some days all I can do is lay in bed and binge watch shows like Grey’s Anatomy (my current show for the second time).

2. Chronic pain is more than just pain. We may deal with anxiety, depression,  brain fog, limited body movement and more.

3.  We hate hearing phrases such as “it can’t be that bad.” Or “it could be worse.” I know for me personally,  when someone says something like this, I struggle with frustration because to me it feels like they don’t see my pain as valid.

4. Chronic fatigue is not the same as being tired. People may struggle to find the motivation or energy to do even simple things. I know for me, things like showering or even making my bed some days can be exhausting,  even if my body feels awake.

5. Pain levels can change from moment to moment. We can go from feeling as good as possible to being stuck in bed due to pain, exhaustion, joint pains and aches, etc. We have to take each day as it comes,  even if that means hour by hour.

6. Individuals with chronic illness have a greater risk of developing other conditions. Why? Because our immune systems can be wrecked due to our health.

7. Certain foods can affect pain levels. Especially since being diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis,  I found this to be true. There is a special diet my doctor put me on when I got the diagnosis of all the foods that I should avoid (which some days feels like everything good). While some people can handle foods others can’t,  I’ve lately had to go through the list yet again and remove some other foods I used to be able to handle. So now I do my best to avoid foods that are acidic, or has a lot of preservatives

8. Our energy levels, like our pain levels, can change in an instant. We only have a certain number of “Spoons” When I got my first diagnosis, a friend of mine sent me The Spoon Theory, which has become a big part of my life when I try and explain how I can’t do the same things I did the day before because  “I was out of spoons”

9. We struggle to find a good doctor. So when we find a good one, we do everything we can to keep them. One thing I found out is most medical schools only offer a few hours of training in chronic pain management, unless they specialize in it.

10. We are not lazy. We do our best to still have some form of a “normal” life

11. We try to look our best. I know for me, when I feel like absolute crap, I like to wear earrings or do my makeup, which I know makes no sense 🤣. I use energy I don’t have to look better because it makes me feel better emotionally

12. We are not drug seekers. We want anything that will help with pain, even if it means surgery.

14. We can become super active on good days. When we feel good, we want to take advantage of feeling good and do things we weren’t able to do on previous days

13. We don’t always know how to manage our pain. No matter how long we’ve been dealing with pain, that doesn’t mean we know how to manage it as it can change day to day.

15. We don’t want you to stop inviting us out. We still like to know people want to hang out with us, even if we aren’t able to.

16. We don’t want your medical advice. When chronic pain patients talk about their pain, they are generally just looking for someone to listen and empathize. They are seeking connection and for someone to understand the hardships of what they’re going through. Chronic pain patients often feel as if they have exhausted all their options and that things may not get better. Implying that they just haven’t tried the right therapy yet may suggest to them that you feel you know their pain better than they do. Pain is also a very individual experience, so what worked for you or your friend may not work for them.

17. We often don’t have good quality of life. Sitting and laying down all day when we are pain can diminish our quality of life.

18. Chronic pain is more than skin deep. Many chronic pain conditions are invisible illnesses. Just because people look fine or even appear to be happy does not mean they are not suffering. Many chronic pain patients learn to hide their pain in order to get through the day.

19. Pain can make people feel guilty. When we get asked out to do something and our pain prevents us from accepting the invitation, we struggle with guilt.

20. Everything isn’t always about my illness, but it also kinda has to be. I wish things didn’t have to revolve around my illness, but when I’m living with this everyday I have to work around what I can and can’t do. It’s incredibly frustrating but why should I have to apologise for it? I wish it wasn’t this way but it is.

Patient

There’s only so many times you can say you’re in pain before people stop listening. After all, its Chronic. Never going away. Life long pain.

So when I stop complaining of my pain and make it sound like its no big deal, it doesn’t mean my pain is any less than normal. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I got run over by a truck or that my body isn’t on fire.

It just means I’m trying to be stronger. Trying to take it day by day. I don’t have another choice.

I’m still in pain. But I’m pushing through. I can do this. I have to.

And I’ll do it without complaining because I understand how annoying it can be.

It’ll be a lifelong journey and there’s only so many times I can say the same thing a million different ways.

Just please be patient with me. This isn’t easy.

If Mental Disorders Were Pictures: Anxiety (Written By A Fan)

I was asked to write a piece for a friend’s blog about what anxiety looks like for me. I really dug deep and have learned a lot about my anxiety and would like to share it with you all so maybe you can better understand this part of me.

My name is Tiffany. I am 31 years old and I am a fulltime retail clerk. This is the first time I have sat down and wrote descriptively about my anxiety. Just writing this is overwhelming because it is really suffocating to explain how much weight I carry on my shoulders. I will do my best to describe how anxiety effects me.
So what Anxiety feel like to me?
A constant supply of nervousness and racing thoughts about the past, present, and future. Rerunning scenarios over and over in my head, trying to anticipate every possible outcome and how my actions, and the actions of others can influence the situation. These scenarios can be large major life altering events or something as small as what to wear or when/how to perform basic daily activities. I not only stress about activities but people as well. Anyone I encounter whether I have an actual relationship with or not, I stress about. Those whom I care about more, I worry about more. I find myself always expecting the worst of and for them. I invision horrible scenarios in which I lose them, both as a friend and as extreme as death. Anxiety is felt physically as well as emotionally. Anxiety is exhausting because my mind is always racing, even in my sleep. I never feel fully rested but I can’t just relax because there is too much to worry about, therefore I have stress dreams rather than restful sleep. It’s hard to focus and be present because my mind is always somewhere else worrying about something else. Anxiety also causes me diarrhea, gas, and frequent urination, which then in return causes me to stress about restrooms (availability, cleanliness, being noticed for frequent trips to the restroom, farting, burping, accidents, ect). I have nervous ticks such as, curling my toes, clinching my fists, jaw, pelvic floor muscles, shoulders, and sometimes other muscles as well, fidgeting, scratching, picking at my skin and nails, rapid eye movements, tapping my feet, biting the inside of my cheeks, licking my teeth, inability to sit still, ect..
Different situations trigger my anxiety and bring out these ticks more. Heightened emotions, stressful situations, driving, unforeseen scenarios, unfamiliar places and people, doctor appointments, Holidays, silence, and big crowds are my major challenges. The physical effects on my body are exhaustion, hot flashes, itchiness, sore tight muscles, very short fingernails from picking them, wounds on my skin from picking and scratching, and mouth sores from biting my cheeks. Panic attacks for me amplify all the physical and mental symptoms and tend to leave me completely exhausted and I am useless for the rest of the day, if not longer.
I tend to avoid anxiety inducing activities and find myself canceling plans, missing appointments, and avoiding people because I just can’t get control of these thoughts. Medication and therapy has helped me gain some control over my anxiety. I do lots of meditation, mantras, breathing exercises, sensory and grounding activities, and self help workbooks regularly to help combat it. I am able to work, take care of myself, and care for others as well. I look normal and healthy on the outside and am a friendly, social, and a high energy person, which constantly fights against my anxiety. I enjoy dancing, concerts, festivals, group activities, hanging out with friends, playing with children, and shopping. I am always trying to suppress my anxiety so I can still partake in the activities that bring me joy. Most people wouldn’t know that I have anxiety because I hide it well as a defensive mechanism, to protect myself from judgment and pity from others. Although anxiety appears to control my life, I feel that I still live a fulfilling life complete with fun and exciting experiences, supportive and healthy relationships, and a future with endless possibilities!